Jokes
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said,
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their bums are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
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Facts and Figures
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee...
(Hardly seems worth it)If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(Can you imagine??)The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
………………………………………………Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
………………………………………………Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied awastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.
Dad called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.
………………………………………………Actual Air Traffic Control quotes
The pilot of a large cargo plane was instructed to enter a holding pattern to ensure separation between aircraft.
Tower: "Globe 4762 Heavy, enter the hold and maintain 6000."
Globe 4762 Heavy: "Do you realize it costs us $2000 to fly a circle?"
Tower: "Affirmative. Give me $4000 worth."Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!""TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
………………………………………………What is Wrong with these Quotes?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest."Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign."I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas."Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst."We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor."If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, Former US. President"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, former US. Vice President"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina